There’s no doubt that human beings are social creatures, and science has proven that a human being in a relationship is generally happier than one who is not. But this is not always the case. Sometimes a relationship that was once great, even a long term or committed one, hits a rough patch. And sometimes that rough patch lasts, well forever. So how can you tell if your on-the-rocks relationship is beyond repair? And what indicators should be enough to push you from relationship status to embracing the aforementioned miseries that accompanies a relationship’s end?
Very true, only you know when your relationship has breathed its final breath. And only you has the power to assess the relationship for all its value, apart from the emotional and decide what your potential benefit could be from remaining attached. However, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t concrete hints for –any- relationship that serve as indicators that it may be time to get out…and fast! Knowing this can sometimes make a break-up a little easier and more justifiable, especially to yourself. So if you feel like your relationship is on its final legs, why not take some time and figure out exactly if your relationship is at its end?
1. Do you or your partner have complete apathy for the relationship’s health? You may be committed 110%. But if any person in a relationship, including your better half, simply does not care if the relationship succeeds, it may be time to heave ho! Any relationship that’s been going on for some time is likely to experience periods of lack-luster ennui, but it’s normally pretty easy to spot a non-caring party. Hurtful or abusive language, disrespectful actions, or general lack of sensitivity or willingness to compromise sometimes show that the other person just doesn’t care anymore.
2. Are you experiencing on-going sadness or sacrifice associated with maintaining your relationship? Don’t get me wrong, -every- relationship requires compromise. And sure, you may groan with despair when that significant other hogs the couch or leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor. But serious sacrifice (ie giving up activities or priorities that once made you who you were) is not a pre-requisite for a relationship and may be a red flag. If you feel the relationship is changing you in a way you dislike or forcing you to choose between your partner and your life, a serious sit-down discussion may be in order.
3. Has you or your partner engaged in deal-breaking behavior? This sign is infallible. A deal-breaker can be anything from cheating to abuse, and when it rears its ugly head, you know it! This is not to say that all deal-breakers are created equal and yes, some partners who cheat can become committed and honest yet again. However, a deal-breaker at very least requires extensive damage control (couples therapy!) and in the most severe cases means packing up and leaving…pronto! Hopefully you won’t ever be confronted with a relationship deal-breaker, but Ex Marks the Spot! does not need to remind you that abuse is absolutely unacceptable and should be met with immediate and irrevocable relationship expulsion.
4. Is there an on-going lack of communication in your relationship? Every relationship is different, and especially in long-distance relationships, it may not be possible to relay to one another every minute detail of your life. However, a relationship in which you never talk, or talk is stunted and generally hostile, indicates that something is up. It may not be easy to find things to discuss with that s.o. after years of partnership, but if your communication is so limited that you barely know each other anymore, guess what? It may be time to “have a talk.”
5. Does the relationship seem contingent on you or partner dramatically changing? OK ladies, there may a number of certain –ahem- characteristics in that guy (or gal!) of yours that you’d like to tweak. And its possible that boyfriend of yours has dropped a comment about maybe you loosing a few pounds or wearing high heels more often. However, no long-term relationship should be built on the promise of one or both of the parties changing. It’s true, over the course of a relationship people can and do change, sometimes for the better, and this change may be welcome and awesome! However, if that boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t love you right now for the way your are, they probably never will.
Now if you’ve run down a possible list of relationship red flags and it seems that, sadly, your relationship may be in serious trouble, your first step should not be handing in your emotional notice (unless, of course, you find yourself in scenario #3). If you’re serious about your relationship, flip decision-making, especially when it comes to break-ups, at very worst can leave you with, well, an un-warranted break-up. And in its slightest form, threatening to break-up only to revoke your decision hours later is hurtful and makes you look like something of a fool.
So if you do have serious concerns about that partnership of yours, the very best antidote may be a sit-down discussion. I know its cliché, and admittedly few couples savor the opportunity to review their relationship’s weak points, but sometimes, even the most dire of relationship problems can be solved with a simple talk. Mentally outline your relationship goals ahead of time, and bring an optimistic and non-blaming perspective to the meeting. Explain what you think the key problems are in your relationship and offer constructive ideas for how to change them. Listen to your partner’s concerns as well, and try to be as understanding and supportive as possible. And if necessary, seek outside help. There’s no shame in working out your problems with a relationship ref present or even asking friends and family for support. If your relationship is really of value to you, and you think it’s worth saving, there should be a no-holds barred plan of attack to keep it healthy and strong.
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